FOREVER FRIENDS

How often do you laugh with your spouse?  Can you be yourself and know that you’re accepted a

Friends First

Are you friends with your spouse?  Do you enjoy spending time with each other even if you’re

CONFLICT INTIMACY

How can conflict and intimacy be linked together?  Believe it or not, conflict resolution can resul

 

FOREVER FRIENDS

May 20, 2013 in Featured

How often do you laugh with your spouse?  Can you be yourself and know that you’re accepted and loved?  Couples that are successful in marriage have the ability to focus on the positive in their spouse and let go of the negative.  Acceptance is part of this process since we can’t change our partner, but only ourselves.  Relationships thrive when couples make consistent deposits to the marriage and limit the withdrawals.  Research shows that couples need 8 to 20 positive interactions for every negative one.

So how can you build a greater friendship and connection in your marriage?  As I mentioned last week, know your partner’s fun list and be intentional in connecting through these activities.  It also can be helpful to identify and express the positive qualities of your spouse and be grateful for what they bring to the marriage.  Schedule time for uninterrupted conversation and share thoughts, feelings, and personal goals or dreams.  Remember emotions connect people and can be achieved through intimate conversations.  Find out your partner’s love language and focus on expressing your love in this way.  Friends are forgiving, respectful, attentive, and encouraging so be sure to remind your self and act on these characteristics.

We all want to be loved, accepted, respected, admired, and valued.  Working on the friendship part of our marriage is a life-long process that will reap tremendous benefits.  For some couples it simply requires re-focusing on each other since they have been consumed by life demands.  Others have to learn new skills and ways to connect with their words and actions.  Life is more joyful, fulfilling, and exciting when you share it with a good friend who loves experiencing life together.  Share, Play, Laugh

Tags: , , , , ,
2 Comments »

Friends First

May 13, 2013 in Featured

Are you friends with your spouse?  Do you enjoy spending time with each other even if you’re not engaged in an activity?  Being friends, liking each other, and connecting through conversation or activity truly makes for a good marriage.  In fact, John Gottman,Ph.D. from his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work reported that the determining factor in whether men and women feel satisfied with sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship.  In my clinical experience I have found that when couples are friends, enjoy each other’s company and have mutual respect for each other the relationship flourishes.

What interferes with a couple’s friendship?  Many of the couples I work with have grown apart and lead very separate lives.  They share space and tasks, but have very little emotional conversations, shared interests, and fun as a couple.  Couples can very easily neglect their marriage and be consumed with the business of life.  Unresolved conflict can also hinder friendship since many couples harbor negative emotions which creates detachment.  Marriage requires regular maintenance and consistent connection.  In therapy, I encourage each spouse to generate a fun list (what is fun for you as an individual and as a couple) and compare their lists after they’re completed.  It is very interesting to identify the overlapping activities.  The couple is encouraged to make copies for each other and use this list when planning their next date.

Are you friends with your spouse?  How do you nurture the friendship?  Find out in next week’s blog ways to deepen and grow your friendship.  Friends can enjoy hanging out without an activity or doing something together, it doesn’t matter.  Having a strong friendship can strengthen your marriage and provide a good role model for your children.  Strengthening the marital friendship will result in more satisfaction and increase the probability of relationship success.

 

Tags: , , ,
1 Comment »

CONFLICT INTIMACY

May 6, 2013 in Featured

How can conflict and intimacy be linked together?  Believe it or not, conflict resolution can result in greater trust, connection, and intimacy.  Several studies find that couples who effectively work through conflict have greater overall relationship satisfaction.  Gottman found in a study from 1999 in the Family Process that he could predict divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion.  Researchers from UC Berkeley found that couples who use “we-ness” language are better able to resolve conflicts than those who don’t.  The study published in the journal Psychology and Aging also found that older couples identified more with “we” than their middle-aged counterparts and reported a greater sense of shared identity according to professor Robert Levenson.

Another interesting study published in Psychological Science led by Jessica E. Salvatore at the University of Minnesota found that our ability to resolve conflict is based on how securely we were attached to our caregivers as infants.  The researchers concluded that the participants who were strongly attached as babies were more adept at resolving conflicts in their adult relationships.  She also found that people who didn’t experience that attachment early in life can recover from their inability to resolve conflict with the help of a more skilled spouse.

Conflict is unavoidable and requires some skills for successful resolution.  Many of the couples I work with have difficulties getting through the first step of identifying the conflict and agreeing on the problem.  Once that has been accomplished, it is very helpful to acknowledge the emotional impact of the conflict and validate each others feelings before discussing logical solutions.  Brainstorming, negotiating, and compromising can move more smoothly after the emotion has been expressed and accepted.  The final step towards resolution requires both parties to select a mutually agreed upon solution, implement this option, and let go of the conflict.  Remember stick to the conflict at hand, communicate respectfully, and avoid defensiveness, justification, and blame.  Conflict occurs in all relationships.  How you handle it determines its effect.

 

Tags: , , ,
No Comments »

MEN AVOID CONFLICT

April 29, 2013 in Featured

Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than their wives according to leading researcher on marriage and family Dr. John Gottman.  He found that men are more physiologically reactive to relational conflicts and stress than women.  One reason Gottman believes this to be true lies in our evolutionary heritage  since males whose bodies reacted quickly and sustained vigilance were more likely to survive and procreate.  Women learned to calm down quicker since their job was to nurture and enhance the survival of their children.

This explains why women tend to pursue conflict while men tend to avoid the discussion.  Men tend to either shut down, become defensive, or lash out all in an attempt to end the argument.  We also tend to move quickly into problem solver mode to curtail the discussion when women may prefer to simply process the issues without seeking a solution.  All relationships have conflict, but couples have different styles for dealing with their conflicts.  Understanding our differences and accepting that we tend to approach conflict differently can be helpful.  Our gender differences can contribute to marital problems, but don’t cause them.

So how do we solve conflict if we approach it so differently?  For starters, accept your differences and stop assuming that your partner should respond in the same way you do.  We’re wired differently, think differently, feel differently, and react differently.  Marriage is complex and not appreciating that our personalities, values, and lifestyles vary can complicate our ability to deal with conflict.  In fact, Gottman believes that most of our marital arguments cannot be completely resolved.  The best we may achieve is agreeing to disagree.

How can men and women deal with conflict more effectively since it’s unavoidable?  Read next week’s blog to learn strategies to accept, cope, and work through conflict without destroying your relationship.  Believe it or not conflict can actually result in a greater connection and more intimacy.

Tags: , , , ,
2 Comments »

BOSTON MARATHON HEROES

April 22, 2013 in Featured

The city of Boston faced a horrific tragedy with perseverance, resilience, and courage, from the first responders to the specific people who stood tall in the face of adversity.  Do you recognize any of these names: Jeff Bauman, Carlos Arredondo, Matt Patterson, Michael Chase, and Dr. Natalie Stavas?  These heroes sacrificed and risked their lives to help others in need.  They provided valuable information about the suspects, applied tourniquets, helped the wounded, and chose to run directly toward danger rather than away.  The people of Boston rallied to confront evil and did not allow their fears to consume them.

Unfortunately, the media often chooses to focus on the terrorists rather than the heroes.  They get more air time, attention, and exposure than the people that are truly worthy of our consideration.  Tragedy can bring out the best or worst in people.  We as a nation can focus our energies on evil or goodness.  We can live in fear or choose to work through it.  We can decide to work on making our nation, state, city, community, and family a better place by being united, unselfish, and helpful in an effort to create a better world.

So who are the heroes in your life?  When was the last time you were a hero to someone?  Our heroes are often our spouse, parents, siblings, mentors, pastors, friends, and maybe even our children.  We need to let them know how much we appreciate their unselfishness, kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity.  Becoming a hero may be donating your time and talents, visiting someone who is lonely, listening to a person who needs a sounding board, hugging someone who is hurting, praying for someone who is struggling emotionally, and reaching out to someone who has detached from everyone.  We can make a difference in people’s lives when we choose to be focused on others’ well-being like those heroes in Boston.  Be a hero today and change lives one person at a time.

Tags: , ,
No Comments »

HOW TO MAKE LOVE LAST

April 15, 2013 in Featured

What does it take to make a marriage last forever?  A recent article written in the APA Monitor by Anna Miller described several studies that looked at this question and offered suggestions.  One study from the Research in Human Development, 2012 by Orbuch found that couples need positive affirmations, especially men.  Men don’t get these affirmations from other people in their lives while women typically do.  I find this to be true in my work and this contributes to a risk of infidelity when people receive affirmations not from their spouse but from others of the opposite sex .  Another important factor in sustaining a marriage is the ability to fight fairly.  John Gottman, Ph.D., from  the University of Washington, published a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, 1992, and found that kinder, more considerate, and understanding traits when dealing with conflict resulted in more success in the marriage.

Both Gottman and Orbuch agree that logistical communication is not enough to sustain a marriage, the conversations need to be deeper, more intimate, and have meaning and purpose.  I’m a huge proponent of emotionally intimate and meaningful communication for connection and intimacy.  Other research suggests that celebrating success with your partner, injecting novelty and excitement into a marriage, and accepting that marriage is a commitment that requires a conscious effort to sustain increases marital success.  In other words, make your marriage your highest priority and work at it daily if you want it to last forever.

Over the years of my practice I have found that commitment, personal responsibility for the success or failure of the marriage, effective communication, and an ability to resolve conflict in a constructive way strenghtens a marriage.  The other important components are an ability to forgive, trust, and let go of emotional pain.  Lastly, both physical and emotional intimacy are essential ingredients of a healthy marriage.  Marriage can be the most challenging relationship you’ll ever experience, but it can also be the most rewarding and fulfilling connection in life.  Make the choice to make the love last and reap the benefits.

 

Tags: , , , ,
2 Comments »

LOVE COMES FROM WITHIN

April 8, 2013 in Featured

Many of my blogs are inspired by the patients I work with in my practice and last week’s writing is no different.  Most of us want to be loved, accepted, and approved of by others.  We may find ourselves trying to prove our worthiness as a human beings because we learned that love was contingent upon achievement, performance, or productivity.  Are there other ways to feel good about yourself?  Absolutely, focusing on the significance and impact that you have on others’ lives can be a way to gain self-confidence.  How about giving of your time and talents to help those in need?

Developing self-esteem is an inside job and starts with changing your self-talk.  Many of us beat up on ourselves and have an easier time generating a list of flaws than a positive attributes list.  Shifting our focus to our strengths rather than our weaknesses can prove to be empowering.  I will often ask patients to generate a list of positive characteristics (maybe 10-20) and read the list daily.  Remember we teach others how to love us by the way we love ourselves.  Being assertive, saying no without guilt, confronting/resolving conflict and maintaining healthy boundaries are ways to build self-confidence and experience self-respect.

Life is filled with turmoil, conflict, and stress, but letting go of negative emotions, self-forgiveness, and staying connected to healthy people will enable you to successfully maneuver through difficult times.  When we are emotionally healthy and secure, we have better relationships and value connectedness over performance.  Our faith and service to others can enhance our humility and also help us to value our character over our accomplishments.  Ultimately, life is about the people that we’ve influenced in a positive way, not the status we’ve attained.  Live life through people, not things.

Tags: , , ,
2 Comments »

TRYING TOO HARD TO BE LOVED

April 1, 2013 in Featured

Are you trying too hard in your relationships?  Many of my patients attempt to prove their worthiness to others by being overly giving, generous, caring, and attentive.  They want to be loved, accepted, and approved of so much that they overextend themselves and neglect their own needs in the process.  Why do people do this?  The answer varies depending upon the person.  In some cases, the person didn’t receive love and approval from one or both parents and continues to seek it or fill the void through their relationships. They grew up with conditional love and place more value on what they do than who they are as a person.

Others lack self-esteem and struggle with fears and insecurities that drive them to search for love and acceptance even if it requires them to compromise themselves.  Some want to feel secure  in their relationship and create a codependent bond to solidify the connection.  Still others try to make others happy to take the focus off themselves and, in some cases, feel safer when they are in charge  and less vulnerable.  They would rather give than receive.

Of course people can be kind, giving, and generous without a problem arising.  The conflict occurs when they neglect resent others because they’re unappreciated and taken advantage of by people.  Some of the  consequences of trying too hard in relationships include: neglecting self, perpetuating insecure feelings, possible manipulation by others, and loss of self-respect.  I’m not suggesting that being productive and accomplishing good things is bad, but when that’s the only way to feel good about yourself than you have a problem.  What are some other ways to feel good about yourself?  What can you do to not try so hard in relationships?  Find out next week how you can approach relationships differently and value your character along with your accomplishments.

 

Tags: , , , ,
3 Comments »

TECHNOLOGY BREAK

March 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

How much time do you spend in front of a computer, TV, phone, or other electronic device? According to research psychologists at the University of Utah and the University of Kansas, people who take a break from technology and immerse themselves in nature improve their creativity (PLOS One, Dec. 12). The researchers found that backpackers who went on a wilderness hike for four days without any electronic devices scored higher on creativity tests after the trip than before they left.

Today we’re all consumed and absorbed with technology which can be mentally draining, but also can limit our creative juices. We “google” everything rather than using our creative minds to consider possible solutions or answers. We’re spoon-fed knowledge and information without using our critical thinking minds and challenging ourselves. We rely too much on technology and for some it becomes an addiction and crutch. In the process, we neglect other aspects of life, such as experiencing nature and the outdoors. If our creative minds are not stimulated we will lose that valuable resource.

Limiting our physical activity and exposure to nature can result in perpetual fatigue, depression, and increased physical ailments. Exercise is one of the best ways to activate our minds and bodies. My dissertation was on the physical and psychological benefits of exercise. I ran a six week exercise program for college-aged students and older adults measuring their physical fitness levels and psychological well-being before and after the program and compared it to a control group who didn’t exercise. Another component of my study involved whether the subjects had exercise goals or not. The results of the study found that the groups who exercised scored significantly higher both physically and emotionally. The group who also set goals had the highest level of positive change.

Whether you take a walk on the beach, sit out on your patio, ride your bike, or swim in your pool, decide that time away from technology is time well spent. Engage in conversation with a friend or spouse that stimulates your brain and creates opportunity for imagination and innovation. Most importantly, disengage from technology, allow your mind to wander and see where it takes you.

Tags: , , ,
No Comments »

BALANCED LIFE

March 19, 2013 in Featured

Last week I spoke about the factors that contribute to work-live imbalance.  So many of us justify our need to work more to maintain our lifestyle, competitive edge, sense of security, and control over our destiny.  We all have choices in life and being obsessed with work is a decision.  Of course having a strong work ethic and being conscientious are all positive attributes and some people have to work two jobs to make ends meet.  I’m referring to those individuals who are consumed with work and have no boundaries.  In fact I have asked couples in the past to create a pie chart of how they spend their week (168 hrs. in a week) and look at the number of hours they spend on activities that are relational.  You would be surprised by their results.

So how does one achieve a balanced life?  Awareness and motivation to correct the problem are the first steps.  Complete the pie for yourself and figure out how you spend most of your time.  Reevaluate your priorities and ask yourself what you will regret on your deathbed.  I doubt it will be “I wish I worked harder, made more money, and accumulated more stuff.”  Learn to do a better job at delegating, I’m sure someone else can do it well too.  Be able to set boundaries, say no, and don’t feel guilty about setting limits.  Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  Decide that relationships matter since without them you will experience less joy and fulfillment.  Remember that time is your most valuable asset.

Lastly, diversify your life with multiple sources of  joy, purpose, and peace.  I encourage people to avoid putting all of their “life eggs” in just one or two baskets.  For example, sometimes people have the bulk of their eggs in the work basket and maybe a few in the marriage/family basket.  Having several baskets and scattering your eggs can provide more opportunity for joy, passion, and connection, such as friendships, church, hobbies, sports, and activities.  You wouldn’t have your retirement portfolio include only two stocks, the same holds for life. Seek diversification.

Make time for your relationships, yourself, and activities that are not work-related.  A quote that I love is: “While you’re making a living, don’t forget to make a life!” (anonymous). Start today.

 

Tags: , , ,
1 Comment »

← Previous Entries