THE SILENT TREATMENT
February 26, 2013 in Featured
Are you in a relationship with someone who shuts down when they’re angry? Or are you involved with a person who generally doesn’t share much? Either way it can make it difficult and frustrating to connect with this individual. A recent article written by Eliza Collins from USA Today finds that women are wired to talk more than men. Surprise, surprise! Researchers at the University of Maryland found that females have higher levels of a protein called FOXP2 which is linked to verbal communication. In fact women speak an average of 20,000 words a day compared with only 7,000 words a day for men. This explains why men usually call a guy friend for a specific reason and share very few words while women call friends for no particular reason and share a lot.
In my practice, men might clam up because they’re angry, hurt, or sad and have a difficult time communicating what they’re feeling. At other times, the silent treatment is a passive-aggressive response used to punish/hurt the other person without confronting the conflict directly. For those who avoid sharing what they think and feel I’ve often said, “ninety percent of what goes on in your head never reaches your lips.” And conflict that remains in your head will never be resolved. Keeping thoughts and feelings to yourself can limit your emotional connection to others and make it very difficult to resolve differences. Not to mention that when we don’t share we are allowing others to decide what we’re thinking or feeling.
Understanding the science behind why women talk more than men is helpful, but how do we work with our differences in a constructive manner? Can men step up and share more or do women have to share less? We are so different, but different isn’t necessarily bad. Our differences can be opportunities for growth, learning patience, expanding our humility, and working as a team. Timing is one of the keys to determining when to speak and when to be silent. Next week I will share ways be more “in-sync.”
This blog message couldn’t come at a more perfect time for my husband and I. As this is the cycle we are currently in and have been for the past 30 days. The message is encouraging and hopeful that we can work our way out of this conundrum. These words couldn’t be truer. “ninety percent of what goes on in your head never reaches your lips.” And conflict that remains in your head will never be resolved. Keeping thoughts and feelings to yourself can limit your emotional connection to others and make it very difficult to resolve differences. Not to mention that when we don’t share we are allowing others to decide what we’re thinking or feeling.”
I have cut and pasted this to my husband in an attempt to find some positive resolution of having an honest conversation.
I’m glad that you could identify with some of my writings and hope next week’s blog will provide you with some helpful. Thanks for your comments.
Love your blogs. I sent the silent treatment, room mate marriage and 5 things women want to my husband. We’ve been to therapy a few times, divorced and remarried 11 years ago….and here we are again. I’m not sure he can (or wants to) change. I love him, but I am tired of being alone in this marriage especially when we are in the house together. He’s great with tasks. We do things with other couples, and sometimes together, but we have no, none, nada, emotional or physical intimacy. I’ve talked to him, sent him notes and left him alone. I don’t want a divorce and cheating is out, but I don’t want this life either. I saw your statement about acceptance and cutting each other some slack. Not sure how to do that Dr. Tony. This can be grounds for a divorce?
Keep writing. You are helping so many us. – Really frustrated and lonely
Thanks Pepper. It is frustrating when you’re the only one working the marriage. Not sure he’d consider individual counseling, but there may be something to his resistance to change. Good luck and keep fighting for the marriage.